Fuck Masculinity

Masculinity is a dumb (and harmful) word. Society throws it around constantly, but can we actually define it? Everytime I hear someone try, it’s a different answer. It falls into contradiction, stereotypes, and made up rules about how men ‘should’ act. And most of the time, it comes bearing shame, aggression, or self abandonment.

Here’s what I see as the truth. Masculinity and femininity aren’t structures to live in or adhere to. They’re energies. Both men and women carry them. Both matter. Both belong. Neither more than the other. In fact, if they’re out of balance, then they become troublesome.

I have plenty of traits people would call ‘feminine’. I’m soft as warm butter. I like to cuddle. I hate harshness. I just want to love people, nurture them, and tell them they’re beautiful. I believe in magic. I want everyone to believe in magic. The magic that exists in everyday world, and the magic that exists within them.

Many would tell me that’s not manly (mostly other men). But I don’t care. Those are my favourite parts about myself. They are the child in me that sees the world through love and wonder. Not cruel conditioning.

I don’t wake up every morning wondering if what I’m doing is ‘masculine’. I wake up wondering if my actions align with my values. That’s what matters to me. It’s far more important to me to be a man of value and integrity than it is to be a ‘masculine’ man.

So fuck masculinity.

It’s time we as men cast it aside. It’s time we stop chasing this vague, undefinable ideal and instead embrace all the shunned inner children within us who are crying out to be heard. Those young boys need us. The versions of us who knew exactly who were, before the world made us discard them through conditioning and shame. Those beautiful fragments of our soul.

It’s time we as men start to embrace our softness. Embrace our creativity. Embrace our tenderness, our imagination, our wonder. That’s where our strength lies.

Because masculinity is failing men, young and old. Men are crippled by shame and fear. Boys are growing up in a world where they don’t even know what they’re supposed to be anymore. They’re told to “be a man” but never told what being a man actually means. They’re left grasping for a sense of belonging, wondering where they fit in to the world. Lost and confused about the very qualities and traits that could make them whole.

Masculinity doesn’t say “this is how to be a man.” Instead it says, “this is how to not be a woman.” It says that emasculation should be your greatest fear and you should sprint in the opposite direction.

Strength doesn’t come from dominance or authority. It comes from vulnerability. From standing in your truth, no matter what you fear the world will say about it. From opening your heart even when it risks being broken. From being the shoulder that holds firm under someone else’s tears and holds space for their emotions.

Courage isn’t the absence of fear. It’s knowing that fear is a scared younger version of yourself expressing its worry. Courage is holding that versions hand and saying, “I know it’s scary, but hold my hand and come with me. Let’s do this together.” Courage is believing in your dreams, even when no one else does. Courage isn’t being ready to attack. It’s the willingness to stand your ground.

Success isn’t how much money you earn, how big your house is, how much weight you can lift, or how many women you’ve had sex with. Success is looking at yourself in the mirror and being proud of the person looking back. Success is bringing joy to your loved ones and being there for them in a time of need. Success is breathing slowly. Success is moving through the world with kindness.

Leadership isn’t rulership or tyranny. Leadership is inspiration. It’s encouragement. It’s direction. Direction after collaboration and agreement. Leadership is sacrificing the I for the We. Leadership starts internally before it arrives externally.

Believe me when I say I chased the prescribed versions of those characteristics. And I was left a husk. A bag of bones wrapped in skin. Moving through the world without life or intention, and certainly bereft of magic. Continuously transmitting my internal lack and pain into the world.

It ended with me sitting in a rehab facility, surrounded by the shunned of society. And I don’t say that in a demeaning way. They were my fellows, my peers, my equals. My friends.

Connection is the well spring of life. Connection is what feeds our souls. It gets us out of bed with a zest to create and generate. Connection to others. Connection to the world. Connection to meaning and purpose. And most importantly connection to our self. All our self’s.

Unfortunately we fabricate disconnected men. Disconnected from purpose. Disconnected from emotion. Disconnected from the magic of life.

Fuck masculinity.

We don’t need masculinity.

We need connection. We need integration. We need magic.

It’s time to build men of vulnerability, not men of armour.

It’s time to create magicians, not soldiers.